I won’t tell you to drink less coffee or quit alcohol, or to just relax. I know you are hearing this already from everyone else around you. But I will tell you that there is a reason why you are not getting pregnant or not carrying your baby full term, and we have to look a little deeper.
Infertility cannot be seen as a purely biological, physical process, we don’t only need a healthy body, but also a healthy mind. When women don’t get pregnant there is always an underlying emotional issue that prevents conception. Even if we have a diagnosis like out-of-balance hormones, we still need to look what’s beneath, what is causing this. Conventional medicine concentrates on symptoms, on the age, or it declares you have unexplained infertility when nothing seems to be wrong with your reproductive organs...but what doctors rarely look at is your emotional state, what is going on in your life, what has been going on in your life, looking at trauma, big or small, that might still be affecting you, often unknowingly.
What we do, feel, think and belief, the opinions we have about us, our life and our fertility is the result of what we have experienced, what we have heard or learnt from people around us, the media, what we’ve seen on TV or read in magazines, what friends and family have told us, teachers, doctors, or what we picked-up along the way - we have accumulated and stored everything in our minds, subconsciously. We have formed these opinions and beliefs at a time we didn’t want a baby. Deep inside of us we have beliefs about pregnancy, birth and motherhood which might not be serving us right now at a time we have decided that we want a child. And these old, limiting beliefs can still impact us heavily and prevent us from getting pregnant. All our thoughts, feeling and beliefs have a direct impact on the biology within our bodies.
We give our bodies a lot of attention, we shower, put on make-up, go to the hair dresser, buy new clothes, but do we ever invest in our mind? We take care of our bodies with the right food and exercise, we detox our bodies, we spring clean our home, but do we ever look at the well-being of our minds? Do people even know how to take care of their minds? So much has accumulated there. The mind reflects what its environment feeds it just as surely as the body reflects the food you feed it. We really are a product of our environment, the environment we grew up in and the environment we live in now, everything around us shapes our personality, our habits, our opinions, and it is important to also detox our minds, check what is going on, are we our own cheerleader or our worst enemy? I believe that we have to look what is going on in our minds, and learn how our minds works, so we can become our biggest supporters because the most important words you will ever hear, are the words you speak to yourself. So are you telling yourself uplifting, encouraging words or not?
Your body and mind are a team, every thought has a physical reaction. Which thoughts do you have about pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood? What do you really belief? I am sure you can list a few things, these are thoughts and beliefs you are aware of, but there might be many more that you might not be aware of, thoughts and beliefs that are stored in your subconscious mind. Are these beliefs empowering or limiting? Your subconscious mind absolutely has the power to block your fertility. Are your conflicting beliefs holding you back? Do you have unresolved issues? I know you really want to get pregnant, but why is it not happening? Below I am listing many of the common blocks women experience, and maybe by reading through them, you find something that resonates with you. If you cannot relate to any of these, then a session with me would uncover any blocks you might unconsciously having. Also remember, a medical diagnosis is just a manifestation of an underlying cause, meaning, that if your FSH levels are too high, this is not the true reason you are not getting pregnant, there is an underlying issue for the hormone levels to be out of balance.
Fear is really the biggest obstacle in our way. Below you find common fears that can block your fertility, maybe you will resonate with one or more:
You may fear the process of giving birth, you fear the unknown, you may have heard difficult birth stories, maybe your own birth was difficult, having no total control over an event, not knowing what to expect. Secondary infertility taps into this as well. If you have given birth already, but you had an unpleasant experience, having told yourself ‘never again’, ‘I almost died’, ‘so unbearable’, ‘so much pain’. Also having had a problematic pregnancy can keep you from getting pregnant again.
Maybe you or someone you know had a negative experience in hospitals.
This is a big issue when it comes to having a baby and can stand in your way of becoming a mother. Being highly influenced by social media, women feel pressured to become perfect mothers with perfect babies and perfect dads. This then results directly in fear of failure, ‘what if I won’t be the perfect mother?’ We tend to set our standards too high, putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. Perfectionism is really the fear of losing control, of not being able to control the outcome, not trusting the process enough. You might also be afraid of what is going to happen with your body during pregnancy and do you fear of not getting your ‘old’ body back after having your baby, both internally and externally? Many women fear also that sex might not be as pleasurable as before giving birth.
Fear about what might happen, change brings uncertainty and doubt, we like to stay in what is familiar, but change is always a step into the unfamiliar and might make us nervous as we don’t exactly know what to expect.
Feeling of guilt, feeling of not being good enough, ‘there is something wrong with me and my body’, ‘I cannot go through this again’, ‘I never want to feel that (emotional) pain again’, being told that ‘miscarriages run in the family’. Even fear of the potential guilt you may feel of the joy of having another baby and then forgetting the one you lost. If you terminated a pregnancy you may want to punish yourself by not getting pregnant again, being happy ever again. Maybe pregnancy will bring up all the bad memories of your sad moments of miscarriage.
Any type of these traumas often gets repressed, buried inside, we have to let go of what is blocking us, healing, freeing us from any limitations and resistance. We cannot change what has happened, but we can change how we look at what has happened to us and change the interpretation of what has happened to us. A woman that has been raped can look at life in two ways. She can either believe that this incident has destroyed her life and she can never be happy again or she can choose to look at it in a way that she is grateful that she is still alive and nothing worse happened to her and she can choose to do anything she wants in life and that the rape cannot affect her anymore. In a session with me, I can free women from all this shame and hurt so they can move on in life and don't let the past affect their present and future anymore.
We hear and read it over and over again, women wait too long to try for a baby, chances drop rapidly from the age of 35 etc. Bevor women even start to think about their future as a mother, they are stressed out about the fact that they shouldn’t wait too long, and with every year, chances to conceive drop, but there are countless women having babies in their 40s, and we are really not the age of our birth certificate anymore, our bodies are younger today than they were 15 year ago.
This fear is often triggered if you grew up in an ‘unhappy’ household where parents fight a lot, or didn’t give you enough attention and love, or your parents are divorced, if you were adopted, or lost your parents. Society often tells us that we become our parents, even though this isn’t necessarily true, but this might be a belief that is blocking you. Also the fear that your partner might leave you and let you alone with the baby is a common fear, especially if you experienced this yourself as a child.
Also doubting yourself with ‘will I be a good mother/father?’, ‘am I ready to be a mother?’, ‘will I be able to cope?’ can turn out to be hindering you. Maybe you are afraid you will not love your baby. Will my partner be a good father, can I see him as the father of my child. Will the baby stand between me and my partner.
Are you afraid that a baby might end your career, will I even be able to go back to my job at all, how will I balance career and family? Can we afford a baby? that you will lose your social life, freedom to travel, to be spontaneous, are you doubting if you can afford a baby. Fear of being dependent on your partner
All these hidden fears create anxiety, we worry a lot and our bodies are constantly in a state of stress in which it is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, stress hormones, not the perfect environment to make a baby. All these hidden fears add on top of the hectic lifestyle we are leading anyway. In this so called fight-or-flight state, our bodies don’t support conception, it is purely focussed on survival and keeping us safe, reproduction is not a priority.
Emotions are the reaction of your body to what you are thinking.So we need to look at our stress triggers, understand them, remove them or learn how to deal with them better so they don’t control us anymore.
A good exercise for you to do is to write down all that you think and believe about conception, pregnancy, birth and motherhood. When you see your beliefs written down, they are more objective and you can look at them from a more objective few point and you don't doubt or deny them immediately.
Can you see any negative, limiting beliefs on your list? Are they really true? Why do you hold those beliefs? When did you form this belief, from whom did you hear them?
Once we are aware of our beliefs, and we can observe and examine them, we are able to question them. It is quite a liberating feeling to free yourself from beliefs that are holding you back, are limiting you in your life, limiting you in fulfilling your desires.
Next I want to find arguments and evidence that contradict your limiting beliefs, start to question them and write down examples stating the opposite. Maybe you are 36 years and of course everyone “knows” that your chances of getting pregnant are shrinking and getting smaller and smaller. But you don’t have to accept this as a truth, as there are endless women over 36 having children, there are women in their mid-forties having babies, so can you. Don’t let this common belief hold you back, our bodies today are not the same as they were 20 years ago, we are not the age of our birth certificates. So decide not to belief the age-trap anymore.
Start telling yourself that you are super fertile, your are a mother-to-be, you have everything it takes to get pregnant, empower yourself, focus on what you want and don't beat yourself up that it hasn't happened yet. Enjoy the journey into motherhood, you cannot expect a happy ending to an unhappy journey, so choose happiness and joy right now. If this sounds a little too hard, get in touch with me and I will help you get there!